Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Boys, Sewers, and Algae - Yay!

In hot weather, such as we're having this week, boys really stand out. By smelling phenomenally bad. I guess it’s just hormones, as between twelve and retirement age they’re just full of those things.
The hormones aren’t the problem, however. Most boys are needy.

Almost every boy I know seems to be emotionally furklempt. They want attention, they crave comforting, their sensitive wide eyes follow you around the room……

No, I’m NOT going to comment on the emotional problems of a fellow blogger. Even though he’s clearly indicated in the past that someone like me is just what the doctor ordered. Sorry, so very much NOT going there.

Middle aged old geezers are, in many ways, too much like other teenage boys. The only advantage of older men is that they don’t need help with their homework. Though sometimes I doubt even that.


It's that time of year when boys smell particularly atrocious, because of the hot weather, the city streets reek of boiling old sewer systems, the refuse in the bins behind restaurants starts letting off an eerie glow, and the overheated waters of the Bay send forth potent perfumes of dying algae..... and when we celebrate the Chinese Mid-Autumn Festival and eat mooncakes.

A very good time of year - despite the boys..... and the old sewer systems..... the glows.... the algae.....

Now guess what! Starbucks produces their own mooncakes! I may have to cast aside my undying loyalty to Peet's, even if just only temporarily.

See here:

You see that? Lovely luscious yummy nummy mooncakes!

Look, I can't stand Starbucks! It's always filled with galumphing waspy types with sneers in their voices, getting a jolt of really mediocre caffeine before heading to their oh-so important office jobs or yoga classes. Peet's has real coffee, even though most of the baristas show off tattoos in places their moms wish they wouldn't. But the coffee is real, and very good.

It's just that Peet's doesn't have mooncakes! In a city filled with high-strung energetic Asian teenagers, you'd think they would know - mooncakes are essential. There's nearly a quarter of a million Chinese in San Francisco, guys, don't you WANT us to throw our money at you? Aren't WE the SF target demographic of choice? Are you that set on catering to Whitey? In this city?

Yep, that's the message you are sending at this time of year.
It may be unintentional - like boys sweating and stinking all kinds of bad - but it is definitely out there. It had better be unintentional.
Please wise up. Friends don't let friends go to Starbucks.
Thank you.


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Hint hint hint!!!

My birthday is coming up in slightly over a month – so it’s time to start dropping hints. This is for people I know, but if you haven’t ever actually met me, please remember that ALL teenagers are alike, and then read this attentively because it’s full of useful information.
We all want exactly the same stuff for our birthdays. Simply substitute vampire novels for all of the books mentioned below and you’ll do fine.

Ma – I need another brassiere. Same size as the one you got me last year – which I wore out by keeping laundry money in the cups. No, I don’t think I’m going to change into Marilyn Monroe anytime soon, that just isn’t likely.

Dad – Quit smoking. You smell bad. Didn’t want to say anything. And I like pearls.

Uncle Benedict – get me that Dutch Dictionary you promised! You KNOW it’s hard to read that bloop bloop bloop language without help! While you’re at it, get me a Hebrew Dictionary too! And a French Dictionary. And German Dictionary. And an Indonesian Dictionary.

Uncle Willem – More Nabokov, more Wyndham Lewis. More Mary Renault.

Uncle Karel – Maybe another big book about Italian food? Or a copy of the Larouse Gastronomique in English.

Cousin Bobbo – More art ceramics, please. Jun glaze is very nice.

Auntie Yee – Just get over that furshlepte cold. We want you around for several more years.

Auntie Ling – Just cook a lot more. All of us really like that pork and gonpoy dish. And the steamed hahmyu with shredded ginger is so delicious!

Pingy – Remember that stuffed penguin you gave me last year? She’s so lonely! Sooooo lonely!!!!!!! Soooo very very very very very loooonely!!!!!!!

Tung Muymuy – More cookies! Yay!

Mei Yip – Please do NOT get me anymore Hello Kitty stuff. When you’re not even five feet tall, Hello Kitty shit just makes you look infantile. Not feminine. It's kinda silly. Please think in terms of chocolate.

Wong Stink Stink - Let's go shopping together after my birthday when I have the money - you always find such nice clothes!

Grant Patel – I need blackmail material, preferably on you. Please send a link to you gloating over your panty collection OR something even more embarrassing and incriminating. Or cringe-worthy.
I know you have it, you old perv - and no, I’m NOT giving you my address or contact information.

Atboth – Do NOT offer to send me any pipetobacco. Smokers stink, and I’m not even legally allowed to own that stuff for another three years if I even wanted any - WHICH I DON'T. By which time they may have outlawed it anyhow. Just burn up some Sam Gawith flake in my name.

Wai Tak – Okay, that long rubber sextoy last year was so funny, I guess. Ha ha ha. Especially after I threw it at your head. I know you are planning something even worse this year. So I have to tell you: Don’t. Do not do anything, if you value your life. I know where you live. Your Mom will be SO upset if you come home dead, fatboy. She'll cry for at least 20 seconds. Maybe 30!
Your classmates will then wonder "whatever happened to Wai Tak? He hasn’t been at school for weeks, do you suppose something happened to him? Maybe he got eaten by a serial killer? Or kidnapped by gangsters who will harvest his kidneys after 'using' him? Oh well, too bad, life goes on, it's so much quieter nowadays how extremely nice, we didn’t like him anyhow!" Or something like that. Seriously.
More to the point, I’ll tell Janine that you’re a total freak sicko and a degenerate. And she’ll hit you really hard with her backpack.

Now remember, some things are ESSENTIAL for any good birthday:

Strawberry Cake: 士多啤梨蛋糕 (see-toh-bei-li dan-gow).
Expensive chocolates.
Champagne (pushing my luck here).
Strumpet high heels (really pushing my luck here).
And, of course, a festive atmosphere in which you'll allow me to get away with just about anything.

No, I don't want a parade. Please don't offer! It really isn't necessary.