My birthday is coming up in slightly over a month – so it’s time to start dropping hints. This is for people I know, but if you haven’t ever actually met me, please remember that ALL teenagers are alike, and then read this attentively because it’s full of useful information.
We all want exactly the same stuff for our birthdays. Simply substitute vampire novels for all of the books mentioned below and you’ll do fine.
Ma – I need another brassiere. Same size as the one you got me last year – which I wore out by keeping laundry money in the cups. No, I don’t think I’m going to change into Marilyn Monroe anytime soon, that just isn’t likely.
Dad – Quit smoking. You smell bad. Didn’t want to say anything. And I like pearls.
Uncle Benedict – get me that Dutch Dictionary you promised! You KNOW it’s hard to read that bloop bloop bloop language without help! While you’re at it, get me a Hebrew Dictionary too! And a French Dictionary. And German Dictionary. And an Indonesian Dictionary.
Uncle Willem – More Nabokov, more Wyndham Lewis. More Mary Renault.
Uncle Karel – Maybe another big book about Italian food? Or a copy of the Larouse Gastronomique in English.
Cousin Bobbo – More art ceramics, please. Jun glaze is very nice.
Auntie Yee – Just get over that furshlepte cold. We want you around for several more years.
Auntie Ling – Just cook a lot more. All of us really like that pork and gonpoy dish. And the steamed hahmyu with shredded ginger is so delicious!
Pingy – Remember that stuffed penguin you gave me last year? She’s so lonely! Sooooo lonely!!!!!!! Soooo very very very very very loooonely!!!!!!!
Tung Muymuy – More cookies! Yay!
Mei Yip – Please do NOT get me anymore Hello Kitty stuff. When you’re not even five feet tall, Hello Kitty shit just makes you look infantile. Not feminine. It's kinda silly. Please think in terms of chocolate.
Wong Stink Stink - Let's go shopping together after my birthday when I have the money - you always find such nice clothes!
Grant Patel – I need blackmail material, preferably on you. Please send a link to you gloating over your panty collection OR something even more embarrassing and incriminating. Or cringe-worthy.
I know you have it, you old perv - and no, I’m NOT giving you my address or contact information.
Atboth – Do NOT offer to send me any pipetobacco. Smokers stink, and I’m not even legally allowed to own that stuff for another three years if I even wanted any - WHICH I DON'T. By which time they may have outlawed it anyhow. Just burn up some Sam Gawith flake in my name.
Wai Tak – Okay, that long rubber sextoy last year was so funny, I guess. Ha ha ha. Especially after I threw it at your head. I know you are planning something even worse this year. So I have to tell you: Don’t. Do not do anything, if you value your life. I know where you live. Your Mom will be SO upset if you come home dead, fatboy. She'll cry for at least 20 seconds. Maybe 30!
Your classmates will then wonder "whatever happened to Wai Tak? He hasn’t been at school for weeks, do you suppose something happened to him? Maybe he got eaten by a serial killer? Or kidnapped by gangsters who will harvest his kidneys after 'using' him? Oh well, too bad, life goes on, it's so much quieter nowadays how extremely nice, we didn’t like him anyhow!" Or something like that. Seriously.
More to the point, I’ll tell Janine that you’re a total freak sicko and a degenerate. And she’ll hit you really hard with her backpack.
Now remember, some things are ESSENTIAL for any good birthday:
Strawberry Cake: 士多啤梨蛋糕 (see-toh-bei-li dan-gow).
Champagne (pushing my luck here).
Strumpet high heels (really pushing my luck here).
And, of course, a festive atmosphere in which you'll allow me to get away with just about anything.
No, I don't want a parade. Please don't offer! It really isn't necessary.
A NEGATIVE STATEMENT
5 hours ago