Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Hint hint hint!!!

My birthday is coming up in slightly over a month – so it’s time to start dropping hints. This is for people I know, but if you haven’t ever actually met me, please remember that ALL teenagers are alike, and then read this attentively because it’s full of useful information.
We all want exactly the same stuff for our birthdays. Simply substitute vampire novels for all of the books mentioned below and you’ll do fine.


Ma – I need another brassiere. Same size as the one you got me last year – which I wore out by keeping laundry money in the cups. No, I don’t think I’m going to change into Marilyn Monroe anytime soon, that just isn’t likely.

Dad – Quit smoking. You smell bad. Didn’t want to say anything. And I like pearls.

Uncle Benedict – get me that Dutch Dictionary you promised! You KNOW it’s hard to read that bloop bloop bloop language without help! While you’re at it, get me a Hebrew Dictionary too! And a French Dictionary. And German Dictionary. And an Indonesian Dictionary.

Uncle Willem – More Nabokov, more Wyndham Lewis. More Mary Renault.

Uncle Karel – Maybe another big book about Italian food? Or a copy of the Larouse Gastronomique in English.

Cousin Bobbo – More art ceramics, please. Jun glaze is very nice.

Auntie Yee – Just get over that furshlepte cold. We want you around for several more years.

Auntie Ling – Just cook a lot more. All of us really like that pork and gonpoy dish. And the steamed hahmyu with shredded ginger is so delicious!

Pingy – Remember that stuffed penguin you gave me last year? She’s so lonely! Sooooo lonely!!!!!!! Soooo very very very very very loooonely!!!!!!!

Tung Muymuy – More cookies! Yay!

Mei Yip – Please do NOT get me anymore Hello Kitty stuff. When you’re not even five feet tall, Hello Kitty shit just makes you look infantile. Not feminine. It's kinda silly. Please think in terms of chocolate.

Wong Stink Stink - Let's go shopping together after my birthday when I have the money - you always find such nice clothes!

Grant Patel – I need blackmail material, preferably on you. Please send a link to you gloating over your panty collection OR something even more embarrassing and incriminating. Or cringe-worthy.
I know you have it, you old perv - and no, I’m NOT giving you my address or contact information.

Atboth – Do NOT offer to send me any pipetobacco. Smokers stink, and I’m not even legally allowed to own that stuff for another three years if I even wanted any - WHICH I DON'T. By which time they may have outlawed it anyhow. Just burn up some Sam Gawith flake in my name.

Wai Tak – Okay, that long rubber sextoy last year was so funny, I guess. Ha ha ha. Especially after I threw it at your head. I know you are planning something even worse this year. So I have to tell you: Don’t. Do not do anything, if you value your life. I know where you live. Your Mom will be SO upset if you come home dead, fatboy. She'll cry for at least 20 seconds. Maybe 30!
Your classmates will then wonder "whatever happened to Wai Tak? He hasn’t been at school for weeks, do you suppose something happened to him? Maybe he got eaten by a serial killer? Or kidnapped by gangsters who will harvest his kidneys after 'using' him? Oh well, too bad, life goes on, it's so much quieter nowadays how extremely nice, we didn’t like him anyhow!" Or something like that. Seriously.
More to the point, I’ll tell Janine that you’re a total freak sicko and a degenerate. And she’ll hit you really hard with her backpack.



Now remember, some things are ESSENTIAL for any good birthday:

Strawberry Cake: 士多啤梨蛋糕 (see-toh-bei-li dan-gow).
Expensive chocolates.
Champagne (pushing my luck here).
Strumpet high heels (really pushing my luck here).
And, of course, a festive atmosphere in which you'll allow me to get away with just about anything.

No, I don't want a parade. Please don't offer! It really isn't necessary.



周小燕

14 comments:

  1. So you are a Grousemoor girl - funny, I had you pictured for Commonwealth or Squadron Leader!

    Oh well, not disappointed in any way.
    Carry on.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Evil creepazoid! Do not fixate on my bosom!

    I do not and will not define myself by your odd fantasies.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Either St. James Flake or Westmoreland.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Let’s go with the full descriptions:


    Samuel Gawith Saint James Flake
    Pressed Virginias and Perique. Strong but smooth, pleasantly sweet. This is the classic vaper. Sophisticated without being froofy or ‘la’. A remarkable product, a real smoke. [CLICK]
    Not a day goes by that you don’t have a strong cappuccino or espresso. Yes, you are full of beans. If you were old enough to drink, you would favour brandy. You visit your auntie in C'town everyday – she finds your pipe smoking enchanting, because it reminds her of when she still lived in Hong Kong, sneaking out to party at night. Her oldest friend says the fragrance reminds her of a Shanghainese gentleman caller long ago.

    Samuel Gawith Westmoreland Mixture
    Virginias, Cavendish, and maybe 30% Latakia. Unusual by American standards, but never the less not uncommon across the pond. A pleasant smoke that some others will sneer at, even though there is nothing wrong with the product – it just doesn’t suit them. A few lucky smokers will find this delightful and exactly what the doctor ordered. It is. [CLICK]
    Slim and lithe, with top grades in school. Lowell High is proud of you, and Berkeley can’t wait. But you’ll probably end up at Harvard. Underneath your clothes you wear undies trimmed with lace, because it feels good. Your long long hair is always tied in a ponytail. When tourists ask you anything you often pretend not to speak English. Just because.

    You are long-haired, and fairly small. You probably stick your tongue out at people often, mentally at least. You don't particularly like most adults, though there are some you get along with well - primarily if they aren't boring. None of the friends and relatives you described above are boring, though some are not entirely comfortable with your interests or obsessions; your burning curiosity sometimes gives them a feeling of disquiet - less so if they are older and have long been elsewhere in the world.

    ReplyDelete
  5. That's a very flattering description of someone you have never met and probably will never meet. You have an interesting inner life, youo do.

    You are probably not boring. Even though you are undoubtedly a pervert.

    Again: NEVER. GONNA. MEET. IN. PERSON!!!!!

    Just not THAT buning curious.

    Love and purely literary kisses (go ahead - put your lips on your computer screen!) to you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. buning curious

    Buning? BUNING? Okay, I bune. I bune ferociously. Bune.

    Anyhow, as payback for calling the noble Netherlandish tongue a "bloop bloop bloop language", I have devoted an entire post to you.

    See HERE:http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2010/09/strawberry-cake.html.

    Strawberry cake - my heavens, how cute! Little girls and strawberry cake. Are you SURE you aren't into Hello Kitty?

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  7. Have you forgotten that sick series about CANTONESE AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS that you did last year? That utterly and agonizingly degenerate description of ponytails, mout noises, wet lips, and steamed buns?

    You old cooz, I know exactly what you are!

    Ick poo! Ick poo! Ick poo! Ick poo! Ick poo! Ick poo! Ick poo! Ick poo! Ick poo! Ick poo! Ick poo! Ick poo! Ick poo! Ick poo! Ick poo! Ick poo! Ick poo! Ick poo!

    ICK! POO!

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  8. Attention please, readers - the blogger Atboth is a very dangerous man. Please visit him in his own blog and let him know what you think of him stalking sweet innocent little teenagers!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Or write to him! All your ads for pills or lottery prizes can be sent to: Deliciouspinkblog AT yahoo DOT com

    If you pretend to be a tasty little snookypoo he will be dleighted to make your acquaintance.
    Just be forwarned - he's lonely and degenerate, so there's NO telling what he'll do.

    ReplyDelete
  10. One not afraid to state the obviousSeptember 11, 2010 at 12:38 PM

    There is no way anybody could ever blackmail Grant Patel; it's pretty much all there, out in the open.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Someone has an unhealthy obsession with panties.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Really? Just someone? One person? Boyo, ninety percent of men have unhealthy obsessions.

    ReplyDelete