Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Jewish pigs!

Arabs in the Shomron and Gallil are blaming Jews for uprooting their vines, destroying their groves, and befouling a source of water.
The local Jews in question are porcine. Not Ashkenazic, nor Sephardic. Porcine. Not Mizrahi, nor even Gurji. Porcine. Perhaps 'Judeo-Porcine'.

I assume that they wear suede yarmulkes.

According to Jameel at the Muqata:
"Wild Boar are indigenous to Israel's hilly regions, specifically the Shomron and Galil."
"This past Monday evening, a motorcyclist was killed in the Western Galil when he hit a wild boar on the road."


The local Arabs, unwilling to believe that there has been a pig problem since time immemorial, choose to blame the Jews.
Because Jews and Pork, obviously, go together. No question about it.

If you aren't an Arab, you probably understand the sheer lunacy of linking Jews and Pork.
Yes, there are some Jews who eat Pork, just like there are Jews who eat Shrimp, or Lobster.
The rest of us wish they wouldn't do that - there just isn't enough Pork, or Shrimp, or Lobster to go around - but almost always, if you're frying up a load of bacon, you do not need an additional place-setting for a visiting Jew.
Jews and Pork are normally like oil and water. You can have fun with Jews, you can have fun with pork. Not both.

But the Arabs feel themselves set upon. They not only have Jews, but there is wild angry pork running around. It is all too much.
They are.... what's that word.... FARKLEMPT!

So, in the spirit of encouraging peace, co-existence, and lots of fluffy bunny rabbits and all kinda furry love, I have a solution which will make EVERYONE happy.

Jameel, sweetheart (I'm calling you sweetheart coz despite your Arab-sounding handle I know you're actually a nice man), please invite a bunch of Cantonese Americans to the Shomron.
We Cantonese Americans LOVE pig. And really, we don't mind at all that they are "up to 200 pounds, the males have very sharp tusks, and it takes more than a handgun's bullet to knock a charging wild boar off its feet."
That's 200 pounds of dense flavorful meat! Any Cantonese American worth the name can deal with that, with one hand tied behind her back.
Trust me on this, babe.
Have you ever met a Cantonese mother in law? We can deal with angry monsters every day, some of us even turn into them.
Two hundred pounds of bad-tempered gaminess. Oh yes.

I'm thinking ginger, garlic, and star-anise. Slow cooked, with yams and taro root.

So you see, dear man, the pig problem, and hence the "porcine native" problem, are both easily solved. As well as the problem of there not being enough treif for the rest of us.

We promise we'll go home BEFORE we turn into monsters.
Do we have a date?



  1. We promise we'll go home BEFORE we turn into monsters.

    You mean, before every full moon?

  2. I thought I was going to be offended. But I'm grinning from ear to ear.

    I had a BLT sandwich for lunch, by the way. Feel free to add a place setting, just let me know where and when.