Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Dabbling in degenerates

Someone on Facebook asked: “Do you find that Chassidish people on Facebook tend to be just perverts, or do they just lack the proper skill and approach?

As Rabbi Pinky would say, 'es iz an eppis tiefe shailah, b'emmes!

My first comment was "More perverted than anybody else? Or normal? I have met far fewer pervertim from a chossidische background on the internet than from any other group. But I don't know enough about perverts to judge."

Strictly speaking, that last assertion isn't true at all. I know plenty of perverts. Almost all schoolboys qualify, and so do most adult men. San Francisco is a hospitable environment for twisted sexualities of all kinds.
Half of the population is male. There's your statistical sample right there.

I just haven't met any Jewish perverts yet - there aren't enough Jews in SF to render them common.
I hope they have a sense of humor, or perhaps a cheerfulness about whatever zesty depravity they would like to get up to. That would be nice.

Most perverts, however, are drably predictable.

Looks away when an attractive or immodestly dressed woman approaches, then stares intently at her rear after she has passed. That tingling feeling up and down your spine? That's the ectoplasm from his gaze, touching you where you don't want to be touched. That sudden chill? His eyes have ripped off your blouse and bra from two blocks away. Not bold enough to even scope you out with a sideways glance, never the less fiendishly obsessed. You've seen him do it to other girls.
He'd be a serial killer if he weren't so bland.

Standard issue troll, who tries to cop a feel on a crowded bus, or undresses you with his eyes. Most likely to make a crude proposition, then denies having done so if you accuse him. He is probably married to a child-woman twenty years his junior. Does sales or marketing for a living. Can be sidetracked entirely by mentioning sports - when he's going on about the Lakers, he won't even notice you escaping.

A fossilized noodge, so delighted at sitting next to a young girl on the bus he just can't keep his eyes off her. Has a thing for knees. Radiates body heat, smells of second hand clothing. Creepy, but mostly harmless. Unless you are really cute.

Talkative neurotic. You try and try to ignore him, but he just cannot stop yacking about stuff that is of no interest whatsoever! Looks you straight in the eye so as not to betray that he has already mentally undressed and violated you repeatedly. Acts like a complete gentleman, but in his imagination he is doing stuff with a fantasy version of you and a tarpaulin, tight ribbons, handcuffs, mayonaise, and frilly black lingerie. Or worse.
Once you get home, you imagine something similar - same tarpaulin.
But there's an empty bucket, a pair of pliers, and a baseball bat, instead of the jar of mayonnaise.

Desperate middle-aged dilwad with a sportscar. Doesn't want sex, just wants to be seen as (still) sexual. Attracted to stacked blondes or hot dragonlady vixens, they are the perfect accessory. Flat-chested Chinese girls do NOT interest him. Can actually hold a conversation, though his eyes keep wandering off to the side like he has a nervous tic.

Serious fetishist. One of his things is the cute little Asian creampuff with a winsome face and little girl mannerisms. He's so desperate that he will even date Philippinas - all he cares about is the type, not the personality. If she coos and pouts he'll cream in his boxers. Conversationally, he's a disaster - once he catches your eye (from two blocks away!!!), he'll ask about your family, your sisters, your cellphone, your e-mail address, what fun and unique South-East Asian language do you speak (oh wow, what a coincidence, he speaks it too!) and do you like steak? Flowers? Spanking?

On the football team, all raging hormones and splendid macho muscles, and boy does he have an ego. All the girls want him, what's wrong with you? He'll even ignore the fact that you have glasses and no boobs, you should be flattered! Sometimes he just likes Asian chicks, they're not as demanding as blondes; if you don't leap at the opportunity now, you'll just be frustrated later, too bad, bitch.
When he's in college, he's going to use date-rape drugs.

Highschool boy. Really, that's all there is to it. Even at fifty years old.
So frustrated, despite visiting the powder room twelve times a day, that he just HAS to tell you that you're a very nice intelligent person, NOT like the other girls, and really cute, he doesn't mind small, really! Spoils everything by looking at every set of boobs that passes by, even if they're eighty years old.
No attention span. Sweats. Sometimes blinks. Resembles a lizard.

Captivated by flat chests. You catch him staring at you at the bus-stop. The next day he's there again at EXACTLY the same time. Feigning a friendly disinterest, he'll try to start a conversation about the weather. Or the pigeons. Or how old you are. By the fourth day you get on at a later stop. On the fifth day he's there too.
The sixth day you take a different bus.

Boisterous and no morals. What you look like isn't nearly as important as the fact that you are breathing. Likes everything he sees, as long as it has curves and can walk on it's own. A cheerful and friendly vulgarian, but you should NEVER tell him your name - he'll remember it the next time he sees you, two years later, when you are with all your relatives in the middle of Chinatown. You can't remember him from Adam at that point, and your mom is frowning - worthless girl, why are you hanging around with white boys?

It's a mine field out there.

If you've ever wondered why girls spend a lot of time in the shower, now you know. It's you. We're trying to wash you out of our minds.


But then there's also this dirty-minded fellow:

Despite his bluster, he really isn't interested in any other women than the one he's already caught. Unless they rub themselves all over with fine tobacco and lie wiggling naked on a bed of matured flue-cured ribbon, smoking a cigar.
But even then he probably wouldn't risk it.
The only danger you would run around him is cancer from the second hand smoke - yeah, he's probably all red eyes and heavy breathing, but that's only from the burning leaves.
No sotah here, folks, just keep moving along.



  1. >If you've ever wondered why girls spend a lot of time in the shower

    That's a really funny thing to put at the end of a post about perverts...

  2. A) I recognize myself in ALL the descriptions above.

    B) If you were stark naked on a bed of matured Virginia, wiggling OR otherwise, that would make me very happy indeed.

    C) Ah, the sweet resinous reek of aged pipe tobacco, enveloping and delicately perfuming the ripe and smooth skinned young creampuff, oh my. This is davka the stuff that makes men drool.

    D) Tell me more about the tarpaulin. Is it black and slick? Ooooooooooh!

  3. Atboth,

    A) You are probably the most perverse minded person I know. But I doubt that you are a pervert - too normal.

    B) If I ever decide to wriggle stark naked on a bed of matured Virginia, I will let you know. Afterwards.

    C) This creampuf HATES tobacco.

    D) Now you're also a connoiseur of tarps? Is there ANY sick fantasy that you haven't intellectually indulged in, oh reeky one?

  4. Steffy, regarding point B, may I suggest a time and a place for that? I'll be sure to use the tobacco afterwards in a delightful blend - which I will keep ALL TO MYSELF! See, I will respect your confidentiality!

    Tarps? Why, yes! And no, I cannot think of ANY sick fantasy I haven't thought about. Would you, by any chance, have suggestions?
    I know I can rely on a teenager for something bright and exciting I haven't thought of yet. We elderly sickos are rather rigid in our approach to naughtiness, you know.

  5. E-kvetcher,

    Okay, it took a while, but now I get it. Surely you have not been wondering about girls in showers, have you?

    Hee hee hee!

    To whoever is thinking about girls in the shower right now, stop. You too, Atboth.

  6. Atboth,

    I cannot think about any perversions that would be new to you. Your blog betrays you as having way more experience in that field than me. Way more than most people, in fact. That thing you did about perfumed tobacco blends and concubines was perhaps the strangest thing, but you obviously try to shock and titilate in some of your posts.

    Either you are a sick little man, or quite the most twisted person I know. Possibly both.

    Please keep your greasy tarpaulin to yourself.
    I shall now fondly imagine you in a very cold shower, rubbing yourself all over.

    With carbolic soap and a gritty washcloth.

  7. Cold shower with carbolic soap and gritty washcloth? Darling, I knew you'd have ideas! Thank you!

    I'll be thinking of you while scrubbing myself. All cold and frigis. Goosebumps. Ice water.

    Steffy, you're a real dear. A perfect little sweetheart.

  8. Really, we just got to meet in real life sometime. I promise I won't smoke while we're together.

    That's what nicotine patches are for.

    Coffe? Tea? Little cream-filled pastries?
    Let me know.

  9. URRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. Ooops. Sorry. Looks like you’re upset.
    Didn’t mean to get you irate, you’re a very nice intelligent person, NOT like other girls, really one of my favourite people.
    Maybe we should talk about other things. Do you like pigeons? Steak? Flowers? Spanking?

    I know! We can talk about tobacco!

  11. Mmm, Atboth, you know what? You have ‘issues’. Yes, that’s it, issues.

    Pigeons are good roasted. Not fond of steak – beef smells funny. Not interested in spanking you under any circumstances, and hell will freeze over before I let you spank me.
    Let’s not talk about tobacco.

    You are trying to feign a friendly disinterest, but failing. It’s more like an interesting (clinical) creepiness.
    I sense that you are flicking out your tongue, rather like a lizard.

  12. Damn, girl, you got me totally pegged.

  13. U missed 1 thing yeshiva boys.. Believe me they are the biggest pervs in the world..